the And/Or

I watched a certain award-winning film three times in a row within twenty four hours last week while making my 16th inch model. A couple years ago my mom and I sat down to watch this movie, and we couldn't even finish half of it because of all the sexual content. This time, I was surprised at how taken away I was by its craft and its meaningfulness, beyond all of the images of pervertednesss and dysfunction. There is so much beauty in the world...

Beauty.

Sometimes it confuses me when I find mesmerizing beauty in the most secular of things. Yesterday P. Hsueh talked about how God wants us to enjoy the simple pleasures in life. A painting does not necessarily have to have a halo or cherub or representation of Christ for us to enjoy it as God wills. We don't have to limit ourselves to listening to songs with "Jesus" in the lyrics. We can enjoy Beethoven and heavy metal. And we can even treat ourselves to occasionally luxuries, which is what my mom has been encouraging me to do even in tough financial times.

So God made beauty in the world for us to enjoy. I understand that and I want to fully embrace that.
Why is it then that I always feel like beauty and God compete for my love and my life? Why is it that beauty (besides nature maybe) seems to always bring me away from God, instead of bringing me to a deeper adoration of Him? I've always had kind of a problem with this, as I itch to grow artistically as well as spiritually.

And, now that I'm at it, why do I feel like my career and God always compete, when my career should be a part of fearing and loving God? I wish my true heart as an architect-in-training, as reflected in how I spend my time and energy, had as much purity and clarity of purpose as the mission statement I've written for myself in my head. I know why I'm here - I have a general idea anyways. But it's hard to live with such a clear focus and God-glorifying dream day by day, hour by hour.

I'm asking questions I already know the answer to. It's just that I've been struggling to invest in gifts from the Giver without idolizing them. I guess it's yet another thing that shall be added unto me when I seek first the kingdom of God.

ah, the kingdom of God...