in-to-me-see

"You are too hard on yourself."

There are two specific people in my life who have said this to me. The first told me during my senior year of high school, during a time when it felt like everything was caving in. The other, yesterday, during a comparably difficult night.

I realize the two share a number of very special qualities. From the start, I could tell that both of them had an incredible freedom in Christ, a deeply rooted intimacy with the King, and a genuine compassion for every soul whose path they crossed. And in their youth, although they had their share of flaws, they seemed to come closest to a complete oneness with Him among almost everyone I knew. These are all things that I had always admired, yearned for, sometimes even coveted.
They shared a lot of the same special struggles, now that I think about it, as well - particularly homesickness on earth, the definition of love, a severe stripping down of the ability to minister to others.

They knew how to sense turmoil and took the initiative to bring those walls down and encourage me and just be there - this is a rare thing.

And what they said to me is something that really baffles me but that deep down I know is true. I know them well enough to know that these words weren't a cheap albeit good-intentioned attempt to cheer me up. I don't know whether to call it encouragement, comfort, exhortation, rebuke, or all four, but it was true.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do with it. Staring point-blank at this part of my life seems fruitless and makes it harder for me to be objective about it. I only end up with eyes that burn and water.
All I know to do is to kneel and pray and return to the foot of the cross once more. Maybe that is all I need to and can do. This seems to be the truth in every circumstance of life. Maybe in fact trying to do something about it, at least at the moment, will only make things worse.

Love is perfect. Love does not deceive. Love rejoices with the truth. Love covers a multitude of sins. Love never fails. His love endures forever.



I guess this is just a long-winded way of saying that He's calling me back to my first love, telling me let go of how tightly I cling to what I lack and what I want in my walk with Him, letting Him pursue me with His love, whatever that means...
oh God, I want so much and know so little.



I'm in love with You
For You have called me child