I needed a break from writing this study abroad proposal

This was the favorite song of a good friend of mine from high school. Brings back memories. I wish I knew more about Burma. I wish I knew more about a lot of things in the world, including Aung San Suu Kyi and the Amsterdam canal house typology.

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Yesterday Ben was talking about how God gave us only 24 hours in a day, and He gave us bodies that need about 8 of those hours for sleep. As college students in any (?) major, we're in an environment that demands more like 26 hours of productivity in a day with a maximum of 3 hours wasted on sleep. Lately, this has just been too much for me. I think a large part of my despondency (these CG topics are always so timely) from the past week came from losing faith in the idea that God wants us to be great in the world. The best at what we do, not for our name, but His.

That has been making me so angry and frustrated and sad, as I've tried to escape headache and panic through an unhealthy number of hours spent in bed. How is this possible. It's not possible. I want to give up.
I feel like I have been consistently disappointing my studio profs (don't even get me started on my other profs), no matter what lifestyle changes I've made and prayed about throughout my three years here. Maybe you laugh, but I have been so heartbroken when I earnestly try to honor God by taking care of the temple that is my body (as in sleeping, exercising, chewing my food) and spirit (fellowship with Him and the body) and I only end up disappointing my profs and peers and school and self yet again with not enough work done.

God if you want me to be healthy, I am going to be a slacker in the eyes of teachers and peers and school, but if you're fine with that, then fine. No really, THAT'S FINE. But I am offended to tears at the idea that You designed us to be the best at what we do for Your glory. My mom is a big believer in this, and I cringe every time she has her spiel about it. Because I don't see this happening. There is no example for me to look up to. This is the kind of idealism that makes people sell their houses to the first bidder one day and find themselves without food and a job the next morning.

But today, during the races, L told me that he truly believes that God wants us to be the best at what we do. The reason why it doesn't happen is perhaps because we have too tight of a hold on what we do. Our motives are still not pure. We have yet to be fully sanctified.
D and I had been saying earlier that L should bike for Brown next year. And L said he would, but not for the image or the respect or even the fun, but for the One he loves. Sometimes I kinda just "mm yes" when he says lofty things like that, but that really struck me, as an encouragement and a rebuke.

As the Scripture says, "Anyone who trusts in him will never be put to shame."

Lord, forgive us for not believing it. Forgive us for blaming You for the lack of fruit in our doings and beings, when most (if not all) of our disappointment and shame has come from our own sin, our own wandering. Help our unbelief, according to Your love and for Your Name alone.

And I am sorry, brothers and sisters, for any ways I have been irresponsible and unwilling to own up to it these past weeks. I am so thankful for all of you who have been urging me to be faithful to the commitments I've made in His sight, even when I try to laugh or lie or kick and scream or Bambi-eye my way out of it.