chest pains

It's been a while since I developed this problem with what feels like congestion in my lungs that lessens with regular exercise. If I break a regular workout routine, I feel a very slight heaviness settle in my chest that I notice less and and less and then not at all within the next week.
When I go jog after a long period of no exercise though, like today, burning chest pains at the beginning of the run remind me that it's still there.

It's the story of my walk over the past few years - a constant struggle with complacency, minor breakthrough, complacency, minor breakthrough...a constant, slowly numbing struggle...a struggle I stopped blogging about for a while partly because it sounded pathetic and endless.

The chest pains came back this weekend.
Yesterday at Open Door, worshipping physically side by side with brothers and sisters most of whom I had never seen before, the frustrations of living a life fruitless, grieving the Spirit, not worthy of the calling burst all over again. I was crying in agony...it really is agony - living life for myself like the old self, the sin between me and His Holiness. I said, even as I doubted, God I want to give it all. God it's not worth it, only You are worthy, You are the greatest good.
But I felt like God was saying, give me more, give me everything.
Between then and now, I realized many things that are aloof that I have lacked the spiritual sensitivity to discern. I realized the degree of discouragement I did not see that I was getting from my friend's wavering in and out of "faith", the pitiful despair of my own sin and how, incredibly foolish as it is, my confidence in God's mightiness to save continually and His love has been shaken because of it, the apathy and spiritual slothfulness that's come about since the move to Coppell, the discontent and coveting of other people's characters and personalities.
And as strange as it is to think of me repeating the whole age-old process again, it crossed my mind that maybe I have been running away from Him all over again.
I pray that You would let me let You love me...I surrender all the ways I think I have failed You, I surrender the misconceptions I don't know I have about You, I surrender every lie and every false motive behind every action.
Do I really believe that God is good?
Do I really believe that God would run with open arms towards me if I stood before Him?
Do I really believe in the power of His name in every relationship I have with every person I know, in my friend's seemingly hopeless situation, in every wound and every injustice?
Do I really believe that God is the answer to every need in the world?

This morning, I happened to hear someone on the radio talk about this passage from 2 Peter:
"5For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; 6and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; 7and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. 8For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. 9But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins."

God, save me from my myopia. Help me to add to my faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge (AMEN); and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. Help me not to run away, help me to wait on You (because You never keep anyone waiting too long if she truly seeks You with all her heart), do not let me be destroyed by a lack of knowledge, but fill me with truth that sets me free.

God, I never really stopped to reflect and thank You for the grace that comes my way in the form of a message I come across while flipping through radio stations, or the chance encounter with someone who glows with You, or a simple word of encouragement in the nick of time...

The guy on the radio mentioned the passage about moving on from spiritual milk to solid food, a passage I haven't thought about in the longest time...I want that.

Jesus, please please transform my mind this week.


Your Name is a strong and mighty tower
Your Name is a shelter like no other
Your Name, let the nations sing it louder
'Cause nothing has the power to save but Your Name
Your Name. Your Name. Your Name. Your Name.

a mirror is so much harder to hold

How easy it is to talk about everything except what is really behind all the aching breaking forming lingering fizzing blossoming stirring in the soul.
(Umma noted today that I barely shed a tear during sad movies, but I always cry during the most random times - like at dinner today - while talking to her.
I have a tendency, probably really frustrating to the few people who genuinely try to chart my deepest darkest parts, to not fully acknowledge or attempt to respond to the things that really pain or anger or offend me until I start telling someone about it. I don't know how it starts, but I can be so evasive in a sort of remarkable passive perseverance. I just want for this unusual form of laziness to be rid of, trade it in for the true inner peace that comes from surrender of all these things again and again to God.
Oh boy, I think I just clumped together the beginnings of several different unfinished thoughts, and I have spent way longer than I wanted to on this entry.
All I wanted was to post this song and I ended up doing what I did not want to do - blog about me.)

Anyways, thank you Jon Foreman for making lyrics that confront me in a way I could never do so to myself, and lyrics that remind me of my humanness, how much I need connection, and how much I need the hope that is Jesus

Christianity isn't difficult

- it's impossible.
(G.K. Chesterton)


P.S. I think I'm going to commit to this fellowship. I could really use some community.

Jude Quinn / Bob Dylan

3:21 - 8:05
never seen anything like this