"While they were worshiping the Lord and fasting, the Holy Spirit said..."

Praying for the courage to wait on Him and not to budge until I hear Him call.

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When I crashed and burned in my last year of high school, in my utter spiritual confusion I knew that it would take a long time for me to understand what exactly happened. It's been three years now. By His grace, and His grace alone, I think I'm starting (key word: starting) to finally understand.

I want the Spirit-filled life. I have always wanted the Spirit-filled life, but in my zeal as a young and eager Christian, I confused Spirit-filled with Christian activity, with Christian service, with Christian stuff (and in my heart I thought I knew this so much better). That is a dangerous place to be in, I now know, because when those things become stagnant, you wonder if the Holy Spirit has abandoned you like God rejected Saul - you wonder if He was ever really in you, if He will ever be in you...and then you wonder if you ever really believed.

There are many people in the church who serve faithfully, but there are very, very, VERY few people in the Christian community (as I know it) whose lives scream Spirit-filled, who spread that overwhelming life-giving fragrance wherever they go. Yet I know it exists and it is possible because I saw that light in J, I saw it in S, I saw it in Y, I see it in L. And I need to see more of it.

I do not want to be a Martha nor flee in fear of being a Martha any more.
Paul said to the Romans that we are "dead to sin but alive to God", that "we have been released from the law so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit".
Well, DANG IT, that's all I want.

The Spirit-filled life.



People go to college to be somebody and to become somebody. But halfway (or a third of the way, I guess) through my undergraduate career, right now maybe I just need to be a nobody . A nobody until He tells me where to go. Until I hear that voice behind me saying, "This is the way; walk in it."

So this is where I am...I come just as I am, so afraid, so tired, so ashamed, so bruised and scarred not so much from fiery arrows and swords, but from tripping over some stupid rocks and tree roots in the battlefield.

I know that however many miles we run from You, You are never far. I know that You are faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. Please take me back for Your Name.