the And/Or

I watched a certain award-winning film three times in a row within twenty four hours last week while making my 16th inch model. A couple years ago my mom and I sat down to watch this movie, and we couldn't even finish half of it because of all the sexual content. This time, I was surprised at how taken away I was by its craft and its meaningfulness, beyond all of the images of pervertednesss and dysfunction. There is so much beauty in the world...

Beauty.

Sometimes it confuses me when I find mesmerizing beauty in the most secular of things. Yesterday P. Hsueh talked about how God wants us to enjoy the simple pleasures in life. A painting does not necessarily have to have a halo or cherub or representation of Christ for us to enjoy it as God wills. We don't have to limit ourselves to listening to songs with "Jesus" in the lyrics. We can enjoy Beethoven and heavy metal. And we can even treat ourselves to occasionally luxuries, which is what my mom has been encouraging me to do even in tough financial times.

So God made beauty in the world for us to enjoy. I understand that and I want to fully embrace that.
Why is it then that I always feel like beauty and God compete for my love and my life? Why is it that beauty (besides nature maybe) seems to always bring me away from God, instead of bringing me to a deeper adoration of Him? I've always had kind of a problem with this, as I itch to grow artistically as well as spiritually.

And, now that I'm at it, why do I feel like my career and God always compete, when my career should be a part of fearing and loving God? I wish my true heart as an architect-in-training, as reflected in how I spend my time and energy, had as much purity and clarity of purpose as the mission statement I've written for myself in my head. I know why I'm here - I have a general idea anyways. But it's hard to live with such a clear focus and God-glorifying dream day by day, hour by hour.

I'm asking questions I already know the answer to. It's just that I've been struggling to invest in gifts from the Giver without idolizing them. I guess it's yet another thing that shall be added unto me when I seek first the kingdom of God.

ah, the kingdom of God...

one more time with feeling

Highlight of the day:
talking to my mom on Facebook chat.
Also, getting fourteen hours of sleep, catching up with Ting over lunch, spending time alone with God in the chapel.

열심히 해. 똥빠지게.

It was a good day.

Yesterday's large group discussion is still doing things in my heart. I guess saying aloud how much I desire to return to my first love makes me long for it all the more. The nearness of Him. The sweetness of His words. The life force of the Spirit.
So many non-Christians seem to get along perfectly fine without God. So many Christians have such struggle and turmoil while keeping the faith. Still, I feel that I have nothing to say but
"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?"
Where can I go?

I've tasted and I've seen, and, though it's been so long since I've felt truly satisfied in God (and God has been truly satisfied with me), I want it, I need it, I can't go back to being the same even if I tried.

This is my earnest plea: more love, oh Christ, to Thee. More love to Thee. More love to Thee.

dry bones

today, I'm thankful that someone will tell me straight up, but gently, that I need to learn how to care for people.
I'm also thankful that God's presence always brings life. How badly this world needs Life. How badly, as L so aptly says, I need Him to bring back Life into my dry, dry bones.

" 11 Then he said to me: "Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. They say, 'Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.' 12 Therefore prophesy and say to them: 'This is what the Sovereign LORD says: O my people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel. 13 Then you, my people, will know that I am the LORD, when I open your graves and bring you up from them. 14 I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the LORD have spoken, and I have done it, declares the LORD.' "
Ezekiel 37