reminded of neutrality once more at the Kings'

I told my sisters at book study tonight about still waiting for an answer from Him in deciding whether or not to take up this specific opportunity to serve, as well as a whole host of other things.

Gloria reminded me tonight that God is a God of clarity and not of confusion, of light and not darkness. And if I am not hearing anything, perhaps I am simply not being neutral. Perhaps my own preferences and opinions, as well as those of men, still cloud my vision. I need to lay all of these things down at His feet, rest in the fact that He knows my heart, and trust Him to reveal His will in His perfect time.



Tonight, I am also struck by Jesus' meekness and lowliness - the humility that was once only an indicator of weakness until he came to this world and established it as the supreme virtue. I am amazed at how he washes his disciples' feet in one moment and allows others to bow at his feet in worship the next.

I am encouraged by the fact that we need not mimic His humility. We can trust that He lives in us, and by the Spirit does He set us free from the flesh and enable us to be truly humble as well.

And I am challenged by the servanthood of the Proverbs 31 woman - a challenge that I can only take up once I stop blogging nice thoughts and find opportunities to be the faithful steward and servant in the blech details of my washing-peanut-butter-off-the-spoon vida cotidiana.
May this blog help me commit to following these daily callings, rather than delaying them or distracting from them. Loitering not allowed.

L and I had the same prayer requests tonight and this is what they were:
1. reaching out to others according to the Spirit's call.
2. being good stewards of what God has given us (Moses as a servant, "he is faithful in all my house")
3. striving for oneness of the body. tearing down whatever barriers culture, specifically Chinese/Asian, has erected through prayerful action. Becoming all things to all people, and doing things in remembrance of Him.

His mercies have been new from morning to night, despite my mistakes and shortcomings throughout the day. Thankful for prayer with the morning devo kids, for the people I encountered at HMart, for hard questions about the overflow of the heart with T, for talking about love's unreasonableness while fabric shopping with D, for refreshing heart-to-heart fellowship with S, for patching up and catching up with L.

Now time for rest.
BiCs and SiCs, please keep me accountable in terms of diligence and full obedience to Him.

We have the right to His heart.

and no one can say, “Jesus is Lord,” except by the Holy Spirit.

There's a Caedmon's Call song that I used to hear on the radio (when I used to listen to the radio) that goes "I am thankful that I'm incapable of doing any good on my own."

Well right now, I am truly thankful, instead of truly heart-broken, that I am incapable. As Sister C reminded us last night, what a danger it is the moment we think we are capable of doing good apart from complete dependence on the Spirit. What a lie.

The knowledge that puffs gets terribly cumbersome, and although I know too well what I'm supposed to be and do, I realize again and again that I am pathetically incapable both to will and to do. It is because I forget, or never really understood, that
the Spirit empowers me both to will and to do. Only through the Spirit can I call Jesus my Lord. Only through Jesus dwelling in me, will streams of living water ever flow from within me.

He is so gracious. May we wait on Him today and be empowered by the Spirit to do good works for His name - as we study, clean, cook, return calls, emails, and texts, be punctual, take care of our bodies, strike up conversations with strangers, get to know the people we live with, work as if working for Him, purge the evil from our lives, pray continually, trust with all our hearts.

"While they were worshiping the Lord and fasting, the Holy Spirit said..."

Praying for the courage to wait on Him and not to budge until I hear Him call.

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When I crashed and burned in my last year of high school, in my utter spiritual confusion I knew that it would take a long time for me to understand what exactly happened. It's been three years now. By His grace, and His grace alone, I think I'm starting (key word: starting) to finally understand.

I want the Spirit-filled life. I have always wanted the Spirit-filled life, but in my zeal as a young and eager Christian, I confused Spirit-filled with Christian activity, with Christian service, with Christian stuff (and in my heart I thought I knew this so much better). That is a dangerous place to be in, I now know, because when those things become stagnant, you wonder if the Holy Spirit has abandoned you like God rejected Saul - you wonder if He was ever really in you, if He will ever be in you...and then you wonder if you ever really believed.

There are many people in the church who serve faithfully, but there are very, very, VERY few people in the Christian community (as I know it) whose lives scream Spirit-filled, who spread that overwhelming life-giving fragrance wherever they go. Yet I know it exists and it is possible because I saw that light in J, I saw it in S, I saw it in Y, I see it in L. And I need to see more of it.

I do not want to be a Martha nor flee in fear of being a Martha any more.
Paul said to the Romans that we are "dead to sin but alive to God", that "we have been released from the law so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit".
Well, DANG IT, that's all I want.

The Spirit-filled life.



People go to college to be somebody and to become somebody. But halfway (or a third of the way, I guess) through my undergraduate career, right now maybe I just need to be a nobody . A nobody until He tells me where to go. Until I hear that voice behind me saying, "This is the way; walk in it."

So this is where I am...I come just as I am, so afraid, so tired, so ashamed, so bruised and scarred not so much from fiery arrows and swords, but from tripping over some stupid rocks and tree roots in the battlefield.

I know that however many miles we run from You, You are never far. I know that You are faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. Please take me back for Your Name.